dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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