It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
