just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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