He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
