what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
