It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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