I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
