Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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