I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
