My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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