I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
