ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
