I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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