the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wear drunk well.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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