Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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