The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Is Oprah even human
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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