I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
