I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Randomize
