You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
