how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Floor bacon is actually really good
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
