We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I see more hoeing in ur future
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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