apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
