Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
