FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
