Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
