I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
