I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I checked into jail on foursquare
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
