are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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