I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
