I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
