My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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