nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
