Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize