You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
