Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
two words: eviction party
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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