saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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