did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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