I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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