I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
