I wish I could teleport
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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