I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
