I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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