so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am midnight drunk by noon
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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