Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
