i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
