I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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