and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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