toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
