Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
