I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
