god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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