Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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