U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
