when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think your dad took our porno
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize