Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
